by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - Local full-grown adult taxpayer Martin Ollens shared a scathing, 25-tweet thread this morning, showcasing his disdain for the new Camilla Cabello-led adaptation of Cinderella, a movie fully intended for children, sources confirmed.
“This movie is grossly immature, the music sounds like Kidz Bop, and the cast is full of people I’ve never even heard of, even though they apparently have millions of fans,” tweeted Ollens, who has high cholesterol and a mortgage. “Everyone involved should be embarrassed. A bright, pop music-filled retelling of an easily accessible story, starring a singer who had their first hit at age 15? What a waste of my time.”
At press time, Ollens was seen throwing out a 50-piece puzzle of a butterfly, angrily muttering “too easy” before going inside the house where he lives alone because he is 40.
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