by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social.
OBERLIN, OH. – After a falling out over winter break, Oberlin freshman Alison Bechdel has announced that she is changing her major back from Joan to Communications.
“I thought about it over the holidays and this is strictly a practical decision,” said Alison while furiously crossing out a handwritten note in her copy of Patricia Highsmith’s The Price of Salt. “Frankly, there aren’t great job prospects for a Joan major. It’s as simple as that and has nothing to do with the fact that the head of the Joan Department is a narcissistic monster who is also now dead to me.”
Joan, who does not have a last name and is the head of the Joan Department, sees things differently.
“Alison is a promising student, though a bit inexperienced, and I’m disappointed to see her throwing her future away,” said Joan, while stabbing her copy of Collected Stories of Colette with a knitting needle. “If I were a petty person, I’d say that only weak-willed individuals cannot make a future for themselves with a Joan degree. But I’m not a petty person, so I’ll simply say that I wish her the best and I want my copy of Orlando back.”
Helen Bechdel, Alison’s mother, was relieved to hear the news.
“All I want is for Alison to be safe and happy, but when your daughter tells you she’s spending all her time at college giving oral exams to a junior-year Sappho enthusiast who doesn’t have a last name, it’s natural for a mother to worry,” said Mrs. Bechdel while practicing staring longingly out the window. “I mean, she said she would sometimes end up giving three or four oral exams in one night, which just seems like too much work. Hopefully, this change puts her on a path to a more stable career in something like real estate or hospitality.”
Alison then shared with her mother her desire to instead pursue a career as a semi-autobiographical cartoonist.
“She’s really testing me this time, but I’m not surprised,” said Mrs. Bechdel while picking window shards out of her fist. “This is classic Alison: yet another Bechdel Test.”