by Eli Mendenhall. @elihmen.
BOISE, Id - Passengers on Southwest Flight WN1981 to Sacramento this weekend were privy to the haphazard vocal gymnastics of baby Piper, aged 18 months.
“A baby crying is bad enough, but a baby crying with no breath support? I draw the line,” explained a sassy flight attendant who we did not get the name of. “Skrelting, for one, isn’t cute. No sound was pushed through the resonators, and she sure as hell wasn’t using her diaphragm. It hurt to listen to! Sure, the tone was intentional and clear, but two words: ‘Toddler Nodes.'”
Piper is best known for playing Magenta in the Boise Children’s Theatre production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show (Baby Edition). She received critical acclaim for this performance, even snagging a "Teeny"1 award for "Outstanding Baby Girl in a Supporting Role."
Piper’s crying was reportedly due to “Pressure changes in the cabin,” according to her mother, Geraldine Henley. Henley’s quickness to excuse Piper’s shoddy performance is most likely due to her role as Piper’s manager.
“Travel is one of the most stressful things for a baby. It’s up there with learning how to use a spoon. One day she’s crying because of her teething, the next it’s because she can’t seem to find the subtext of the scene in her self-tapes. Do you know how hard it is to slate when you can’t even say the word 'hello' yet?"
She continued, "Piper is exhausted. Especially after coming so close to booking the Non-Union-All-Baby tour of South Pacific. I don’t think it’s fair to scrutinize her so deeply.”
Insider reports can confirm that the casting process for the Non-Union-All-Baby tour of South Pacific was nothing short of a bloodbath.
“Stylistically, if Piper were to go more towards a pop-punk route, I would have to be there to support her," noted vocal coach Ricky Terr, who was also on the flight for some reason. We don’t know where this is going to go. Until then, we have her on a strict Italian opera and Sondheim training regimen. We want casting directors to view her as beyond her years, but if we aren’t careful, she’ll be doing benefit concerts and falsetto-ing the notes she used to be able to belt in her prime.”
Since the incident on the plane, Piper has since been checked for a peanut allergy. This is so she can begin shooting mouthfuls of peanut butter across the room via her breath support, a la Patti Lupone.
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1 A Tony, but for babies.
Play Block Blast and turn up the sound for your kids. They will definitely bother you less.