by Melia Hagino. @meliahagino.
YOUR HOMETOWN – This morning, members of your household awoke to find a strange new present underneath the Christmas tree– a large, human-shaped package which, when approached, immediately began loudly and - honestly, beautifully - riffing.
“I’d bet my little ass that’s Ben Platt under there,” said your father, who likes to pretend that he didn’t enjoy Pitch Perfect. “I could tell from the silhouette that it was a man, probably a white man, gay, with a robust background in musical theatre and a couple major movie deals to boot. It's Plattmas in our house!”
The present, which stands at about 5’9” if you subtract the heeled booties, has not yet been claimed by any of your immediate family members. Sources close to you (your parents) have denied any involvement, insisting that the star must have been delivered by Santa himself.
“Isn’t he Jewish?” questioned Louise, who insisted we call her "Louise" and not "Mrs. Your Mom." “Not that it matters, of course. But it’s a little odd that Santa would bring us a Jewish celebrity for Christmas. Maybe he got mixed up, and it was supposed to be for Hanukkah? Again, not that it matters! Mr. Platt is more than welcome to join in our celebration! It’s just curious, that’s all. And I do wish he’d stop riffing. It’s scaring the cat.”
Initial attempts to stop the present’s singing, which included throwing a blanket over it like a bird and suggesting everyone play the “quiet game,” were ultimately unsuccessful. Still one brave family member has hope for a silent night.
“I know he keeps humming chromatic scales, but I think he’s just hungry!” said your little brother, Tim, who is unfortunately normal-sized. “I poked some holes in the wrapping, so he can breathe. And I left out some milk and cookies. They’re supposed to be for Santa, but I’m sure he won’t mind sharing. And if Ben’s still hungry after that, we have a Costco lasagna in the freezer.”
In a shocking twist, when our reporter reached out to the Platt household for comment, they found Ben at home, alive and well, and definitely not in your living room.
“You need to call the police,” said Platt, with a weird amount of urgency in his tone. “That thing is NOT ME. It’s a good imitation, yes, but it’s only that: an imitation. That family is in terrible danger. They need to get out of there, before it’s too late!”
Platt paused, breathing heavily.
“On second thought, it could just be Jonathan Bailey. That seems like the kind of thing he would do.”
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