by Jake Alexander. @JakeAlexander34.
NEW YORK, NY- As the nation reacts to the election of Donald Trump as the 47th President, Broadway theaters are helping politicians avoid actors in a new way: by creating easy exit seats to avoid being confronted at curtain calls.
“Mike Pence learned the hard way,” said Mandy Schmidtz, an usher at the Richard Rogers, peering around in case anyone is listening. “Many actors took the first Trump presidency hard. And the impulse to speak truth to power led to some… uncomfortable moments. I was there the night the VP got yelled at by Brandon Vic- I mean Brandon Whatshisface. That was just straight-up insubordination.” Schmidtz then mouthed "was that good? Does it seem like I love Trump?"
So as the 2024 election wraps up, producers are doing what they do best: adhering to the needs of the rich and powerful, and meeting the needs of politicians who can’t run the risk of being asked simple questions by their constituents.
“We love money - I mean, people who spend money to see theatre,” said a producer who requested anonymity but bore a striking resemblance to whichever one you’re picturing right now. “We want folks to feel comfortable at our shows. When we get up and grab those Tonys, we do it so regular, normal, everyday Americans will continue to donate money to the politicians and lobbyists who help us get our tax-cuts.”
And so plans are in motion.
Shubert Alley is excavating a tunnel that will run from the audience to the restroom of Junior’s, where escapees can stop for a slice of New York Cheesecake. The Hudson Theatre will offer “launch-yourself-via-the-roof” seats with complimentary parachutes. The Winter Garden will have a slide that representatives can activate by reclining a little too far.
Harold Vasquez, box office manager at the Lucille Lortel, weighed in as well.
“Look, it makes sense. Actors get on stage and it feels sorta like a pulpit. But politicians don’t wanna be talked at by artists, of all people. You ever see artists eat at a group dinner? It’s like the scene in Jurassic Park when the raptors tear the goat to shreds. They’re animals,” he added, before mouthing “was that good? Am I safe?”
At press time producers are so thrilled with the concept of saving the people they worship, that they are taking it beyond the Great White Way, announcing that all theaters on the recently announced Suffs tour will make arrangements for the new seating plans.
Despite the long and hard hours I have to put in at work, vex 3 is the one location where I can find joy every day.