by Alex Karukas. @akruckus.
NEW YORK, NY — The New York State Office of Commerce announced on Monday that the practice of filming and distributing videos of Broadway performances is to be legalized and taxed at exorbitant rates as early as February of next year.
“Crime and retribution are such a hot topic in this city,” remarked State Commerce Officer Melinda Thornson, speaking from the steps of The Public Theater to a small but excited crowd. “The archaic three-strikes rule on Broadway bootlegs has sent too many young theatrelovers to prison, where they often fall into a life of worse crimes, like making Aaron Tveit opt-up compilations.”
Griffin Doherty, a local officer of Fathers Against Slime Tutorials (FAST) stood nearby holding a sign to protest the event.
“It’s simply not fair to just record these performances for everybody to see,” huffed Doherty, holding a sign that reads "WE ARE FAST." “I pay upwards of $1200 a ticket to sit in the seats and watch new edgy versions of outdated musicals. Why should someone who’s poor be able to do that from home? Plus, this is also clearly unconstitutional, have they never heard of Shubert v gelphielover69?”
Remy Michaels, a dog-walker on lunch break, disagreed with Doherty’s assessment.
“My friends and I tried bootlegs when we were younger, and we’re all totally fine,” she said between bites of a bagged salad. “Sure, there’s always a chance you could witness one of the performers’ voice cracks or overhear a hushed but tense exchange with an usher, but I think the fear surrounding this is overblown.”
“I just hope this doesn’t make the quality of slime tutorials better,” mused Michaels, looking for a trash can for the aforementioned bagged salad. “There’s something about the shaky cam and horrible audio that adds to the charm.”
Officer Thornson detailed the new swath of regulations and taxing information on legal bootleggers, but by then most of the crowd got bored and left. No information was given on how this affects the pro-shot market.
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