OPINION: Broadway Tickets ARE Affordable! Just Don’t Eat for, Like, Two Weeks

by Will Tully. @willrtully.

NEW YORK, NY - As someone who’s lived in NYC for three months now, I feel like I can say that I’m a real New Yorker. Not because I can navigate the subway system, and not any second or third reason: but because I see Broadway shows. And I’m SICK of people saying how expensive Broadway tickets are! They AREN’T expensive! YOU just need to not eat for, like, two weeks.

Look, I get it. Groceries are costly. However, a counterpoint: just don’t buy them, then? 

“Huh?!” I hear you arguing, with that shrill voice of yours. “You couldn’t possibly be saying that I should skip out on eating for 14 straight days just for a two hour theatrical experience!” Uh, yeah. I am saying that. And trust me, it’s easier than you’d expect.

All you have to do is get a friend to follow you around and whenever they see you look at food, they have permission to pinch you. It’s honestly genius. 

“Seriously?!” I hear you, once again your shrill voice echoing into the stratosphere. “That’s an insane thing to do!” Uh, no it’s not. Checkmate.

But let’s say you don’t want pinchies. Here’s another strategy: simply don’t eat for two weeks, do a little nifty trick I like to call the “Tell The Nuts 4 Nuts Guy That The Nut Monster Is In Town So He Leaves and You Can Steal All The Nuts” Technique, and then go see a Broadway show, all the while eating a mountain of stolen nuts like some sort of human-squirrel hybrid. It’s the perfect way to end a two week fast!

“What is wrong with you?!” I, for the third and hopefully last time, hear you shriek. “You’re crazy!” Uh, no I’m not. Another checkmate for the books.

Listen, here’s the facts: even if you didn’t do my amazing Pinch Technique, or my Nut Technique, the human body can still go 30-50 days without food. In those 30-50 days, you could save up enough money to see 2.14 to 3.57 Broadway shows! Like, Hadestown three times, and half of Book of Mormon! That’s a win in my book.