CHICAGO Casting Directors Somberly Remove O.J. from Shortlist

by Ben Schrager.  Instagram: @ben.schrager, Twitter: @ben_schrager.

NEW YORK, NY. – It was a sad day in the casting offices for Broadway’s Chicago, as O.J. Simpson was removed from the casting team’s short list for Billy Flynn replacements.

“I’m honestly heartbroken,” said producer Bruce Wachter, as he ceremoniously removed the name from the team’s cork board while wearing a black mesh shirt as a veil. “O.J. meant so much to the team at Chicago - specifically, he meant a 15% increase in weekly median ticket prices and a 20% increase in advances for a strictly limited 10-week run in the summer.”

At press time, casting director Peter Millstrop added his own disappointment.

“It really is a shame,” said Millstrop, while lowering a pair of lace stockings to half-mast. “O.J. would have fit the role perfectly, like… well, I’m not sure like what. I wish there was a simile for when something fits perfectly, but sadly nothing comes to mind.”