by Elanna White. @ewelannawhite.
NEW YORK, NY - Theatregoers young and old were thrown this week when Governor Kathy Hochul held a surprise press conference regarding Broadway’s subject most foul: bathroom lines. And the proposed solution? You guessed it. Another congestion pricing plan.
“Governor Hochul is very firm in her plan,” a rep of Hochul’s told New Yorkers during a town hall, pulling up a stool. “The guidelines are simple: to avoid the types of out of control lines we’ve been experiencing in Broadway theatres, patrons will be required to pay to use the toilet. There will be a surcharge for number two. We need everything we can get as the theatre industry still claws its way out of the bowels of the pandemic.”
Theatre custodian and Service Employees International Union Local 32BJ member Larry Rogers actually took a positive stance toward the new policy.
“I’m here for it. Maybe it’ll teach people to just go before they arrive,” said Rogers while mopping up Teeth's splash zone seats. “There has to be some sort of crowd control. Ever since the big incident of ‘94 at the Winter Garden, I’ve been quietly campaigning for something like this. People treated the bathrooms like a litter box! I heard people call it ‘Method Audiencing.’ It was madness. The clean-up took weeks.”
The Phantom Pooper of Pearl Studios has announced that they are helming a countermovement against Hochul’s actions.
“With the Urinetown revival just around the corner, this feels very disrespectful," remarked the mysterious figure during a zoom interview behind an Elaine Stritch avatar. “Governor Hochul has given us no choice but to revolt against such a heinous policy. As Shakespeare once said, ‘All the World’s a Stage.' Well, if Kathy wants to go down this road, then I say ‘All the World’s a Toilet.'”
Though the plan is not set to take place until January 30th, it seems that the resistance may already be in full swing. Patrons in every major theatre opened their playbills last night as slips of paper fell out that simply read “Doody. Defecate. Doody again.”
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