Cough Narrowly Arrives in Time for Show's Lone Silent Moment

by T.J. Pieffer. @tjpieffer.

CHICAGO - Wiping the sweat from his brow, a cough just barely made it in time for the sole four seconds of silence in Lakeside Rep’s acclaimed production of Into the Woods. 

“I was running late, but I was able to make it just in time for the pause between Cinderella singing ‘for example’ and ‘a shoe’. But just barely,” sighed the cough, whose voice is actually quite lovely. “A few more seconds, and I would’ve come in during the loud trumpet intro of 'Ever After' and no one would’ve heard me. Thankfully, I made it in time.”

The cough’s wife told reporters that while he has an especially busy schedule during the winter months, he loves to make himself known to theater audiences whenever possible. 

“The pandemic was one of the busiest periods of his life, but he missed the stage. He would come home from working airports or weddings and just wasn’t himself. We went years without intimacy. Now, he’s back where he belongs and brave enough to pursue his passion. I’m proud of him.”

But the cough has his share of critics. Audience member Brian McCarthy did not mince words when it came to his views on the theatre mainstay.

“He’s ruined dozens of live performances for me. The ending of 'It’s Quiet Uptown.' Right before Scarecrow-Fiyero knocks on Elphaba’s trap door. Tony’s entire death scene in West Side Story. He’s everywhere. His voice is kinda quite lovely, though.”

Finding the opportunity irresistible, the cough made time in his schedule to stay at Lakeside Rep through act two, where he went to town breaking up the sexual tension of “Moments in the Woods."

While he enjoys being in the audience, the cough said he also works professionally at Moulin Rouge!, closely collaborating with Satine and a rag of blood.