by Lex Vaughn. Twitter: @AlexaVaughn. Instagram: @LexVon.
SEATTLE, WASH. — Baristas at Valentina’s Cafe are raving about a regular customer’s flawless performance last night of Not Knowing Damn Well This Place Closes in Two Minutes.
“As a customer who’s come to this café to work on her laptop three times a week for the last year, her 8:28 p.m. performance of acting blissfully unaware that this place closes at 8:30 p.m. was absolute perfection,” said barista Hannah Miller as she inserted ear plugs and prepared to blast Semisonic’s “Closing Time” on a loop. “No clanging of chairs being put on top of tables or lack of any other customer in the café threw her off even a bit. Nothing gets her to break character—her shitty, shitty character. Absolutely stunning!”
The way the customer acted like she also doesn’t know that people who make minimum wage want to be able to leave their jobs as soon as humanly possible also impressed café critics.
“I just wish I was as good at acting so it wasn’t so obvious that I believe people who don’t leave at least 15 minutes before closing time are the literal devil incarnate,” shouted barista Sarah Cross as she began repeatedly slamming a vacuum into the customer’s table and chair legs. “She’s clearly the Lea Michele of café customers: I hate her, but you still have to hand it to her—the lady’s got the goods.”
The customer’s performance culminated at 8:30 with a rousing rendition of Oh—Oh Are You Closing? after Hannah began maniacally flicking the lights on and off.
“Oh—oh, are you closing? You’re closing now? Like, now, now? Oh!” said the customer in a state of perfectly-rehearsed shock and innocence as she took off her headphones in a daze. “I must be waking from a trance where I lost track of space and closing times. Some of it wasn't very nice. But most of it was beautiful. But, just the same, I don’t want to go home because I’m sick of working from home—it’s really distracting and this place has way better coffee and ambience. Does anybody believe me about the trance thing?”
Theatre lovers can see early 8:28 p.m. shows of the performance themselves most weeknights at Valentina’s, and a similar 1:58 a.m. late show a few blocks away at Sloop Tavern.
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