by Alex Karukas. @akruckus.
NEW YORK, NY — The Walt Disney Company announced today that it has begun the process of converting all physical lines in their theaters to an online queue as part of the Genie+ system. Patrons will need the Disney app to enter bathrooms, buy concessions, and leave the theater.
“Simplicity has always been a core tenet of the Dream-o-Sphere here at Disney,” said Bob Iger, former and current Walt Disney Company CEO. “Now everyone who comes to see Pirates of the Caribbean: The Ride: The Musical will be able to skip the long lines by simply downloading an app, putting in all the required personal information, answering a captcha to prove they’re a human, and then paying the small fee to purchase a spot in (sic) line.”
Bathrooms will be $30 for #1, and $35 for #2. At the end of the show, it will only be $5.99 to exit through the main doors.
John Sawyer, a Disney theater usher and vanity license plate owner, performed a demonstration of how the new service works in practice.
“If I ever had permission to go to the bathroom, I wouldn’t even have to leave my seat to jump on line,” he said while struggling to accurately identify which pictures had motorcycles in them. “I just have to log my PottyPass into the app, and then scan my Magic Band [Editor’s note: These are $75 at the box office] when I get to the turnstile.”
Local theatergoers like Barbara Gomez are less enthused about the new system, touting security concerns.
“I was told I needed a gauche watch to use the toilet, so I went to the concessions stand to buy one,” she complained to Sawyer as he squinted at a series of numbers and letters. “However, I was then told at the stand that I needed a watch to get on line there as well. I went to leave the theater, and you just informed me that I need that silly band to exit onto the street!” She then sneezed into a handkerchief and was promptly given a "noise ordinance” fee of $6,000.
“This is just one more way we can spread Disney Magic with our loyal and deep-pocketed guests,” Iger offered, somehow unable to check a box that said “Prove you are not a robot.”
Commentaires