by Edward Precht. @PertoltPrecht.
NEW YORK, NY – Many theatregoers expressed disappointment this week after hearing that actor Michael Shannon’s penis - one of the stars of “Frankie & Johnny in the Clair de Lune” - currently in previews at NY’s Broadhurst Theatre - has said it will refuse to sign autographs after the show.
“My wife really wanted to meet Michael Shannon’s penis,” said Bert Shumley, a Morristown resident and avid theatregoer. “She’s been a fan of it since its early days - indie movies, you know. She was hoping to get it to sign her Playbill, but when it came out the stage door, it just popped off into its town car and drove away. I mean, we waited an hour, and for what? To be ignored? Audra McDonald was more than happy to sign, but, eh.”
In the new revival of a Terrence McNally classic, Michael Shannon and Audra McDonald play Frankie and Johnny, two awkward people in the midst of an awkward hook-up. Michael Shannon’s penis - in what some are considering a star-making turn - co-stars in a role the New York Times described as “small, but hefty… there is a meatiness to its performance that penetrates to the deepest core of you... [the penis] looks you straight in the eyes and dares you to blink.”
There are even talks of a late-addition Tony nomination or two, perhaps inflating the penis’s diva tendencies.
One of its co-stars, however, is quick to defend the penis.
“Yeah, he can be kind of a dick,” said Michael Shannon, who has been biologically attached to the penis since birth. “But if he ain’t the most talented goddamned dick in the business, I don’t know who is.”
Of course, this isn’t the first time Michael Shannon’s penis has been a subject of controversy: it has long since had a history of being, as several Broadway insiders put it, “really hard to deal with,” “kind of a handful,” and, at worst, “quick to explode.” Nor has this been the first time an actor’s genitals have refused to sign autographs.
Most recently, Ben Platt’s nipples came under fire for being “too exhausted” to greet fans after Dear Evan Hansen, and Patti LuPone’s vulva hasn’t been photographed since the closing night of Evita.
“He’s a pretty good size, too,” Michael Shannon said, coming back into the room despite the interview having been over for some time. “Lots of compliments on size. No further questions.”
Michael Shannon’s penis declined to comment, and was last seen hashing out a new project over dinner and drinks with David Mamet’s butthole.
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