by Alex O'Connor.
LONDON – Are you tired of paying an arm and a leg for a haircut? Check out The Demon Barber of Fleet Street. He charges a fraction of what professional salons do and provides pretty much the same service.
His shop is so cheap it’s borderline suspicious, but why would I question such an amazing bargain? If he isn’t paying taxes, at least he’s passing savings onto the consumer. The only drawback I can think of is that his barbershop is far from public transit and that he murders people.
Sweeney Todd offers the perfect budget option, and he even gives a free haircut for every referral. His rewards program is literally to die for (rest in peace, Sean!). After five referrals – and as many funerals – you get a free shepherd's pie. Sure, the pie tasted like my friend Sean who ate Doritos for every meal, but I saved money on groceries.
You’ll be surprised to learn the haircut is actually not that bad. Sweeney Todd gave me an asymmetrical mullet and also cut my ear off. It’s badass. Now, I’m the cool guy with an awesome mullet and no ear. That’s my thing. I finally have a thing!
Because the haircut is so cheap, I can afford other nice things, like having my nails done; turns out Sweeney Todd also runs a nail salon. Who knew?
Sweeney Todd used the blood of my buddy Sean to paint my nails red. You guessed it: I get half off because I brought Sean in and helped tie him down. At only $1 per toe, his nail service is extremely inexpensive, especially because he chopped three of them off, which is great because now pedicures are 30% cheaper for the rest of my life.
It’s a shame that more people don’t know about Sweeney Todd’s barber shop. His place only has one review on Yelp because I’m the only person who has ever survived. I gave him five stars because deals like this don’t come around often and my friendship with Sean had already run its course.
Still not convinced that the haircut is worth the risk? I’ll leave you with a quote: “Sometimes to slay, you have to risk being slain.”
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