by Grace Smith. @@gracectomy.
GLENDALE, Ws. - Local high school senior and unpopular theatre kid Ryan Pegany announced today, while standing on a table in the middle of drama class, that he’s been accepted into a university theatre program, where he intends to replace his current small-town bullies with new, more cultured bullies, the thrilled thespian confirmed.
“All through high school, I was bullied for liking musicals instead of football,” said Pegany, in between reciting his audition monologue for us, even though he's already been accepted into the school. “I can’t wait to be bullied for liking musicals instead of Pinter.”
His new school's movement instructor, Daina Foudreau, confirmed that they welcome many formerly bullied teens into this theatre program and find them much easier to break.
“What we do here is build on the work their high school bullies started,” mused Foudreau, pausing to correct the posture of a crying student. “They’ve already had their interests and fashion mocked, so we’re able to skip all that and go right for their sense of self.”
Pegany’s fellow senior and long-time bully, Bruce McTuffin, expressed nothing but pride for his soon-to-be former prey; he even purchased a copy of Oh, The Places You’ll Go! to chuck at Pegany during his graduation concert solo.
“He’s always bursting into song and wearing tap shoes to A.P. Bio, so he’ll have no problem making a new bully right away. Will it be a mean girl with waist-length hair and a killer soprano? Or a former child star who’ll be the only incoming freshman to have already done coke? All I know is, I’ve taken him as far as I can,” said McTuffin, wiping a tear from his eye.
Pegany admitted he can’t help looking even farther into his future, though he’s trying to stay grounded.
“I’m already feeling anxiety over choosing a B.A. theatre program instead of a conservatory,” he noted. “But I’m young - I can wait to be bullied for that until after I graduate.”
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