by HaleyJane Rose. @haleyisfamous.
WASHINGTON D. C. - With the final days of the 2020 Presidential Election winding down, both incumbent Donald J. Trump and former VP Joe Biden have reportedly misunderstood the term “swing states”, putting all of their energy in the final campaigning days on professional theatrical swing performers, concerned sources confirmed.
“Clearly there’s been a huge error, but it’s too late now,” says CNN political analyst Jack Steinberg, polishing off his brand new Capezio oxford character shoes in an attempt to sneak into Ripley Grier studios to maintain polling data. “Honestly, this isn’t the weirdest thing to happen in politics this year. Barely cracks the top 20 - but these performers are now the most important people in America, and as they say - the show must go on!”
Surprised by the sudden attention, swing performers are expressing their concerns with this new shift in democracy.
“It’s pretty crazy that most elections come down to just a few swing performers like us. All this attention is overwhelming,” says Broadway swing Michelle Gan, wearing dark sunglasses and a baseball cap. “Usually when people see my name they’re so disappointed. But now everyone’s obsessed with me? I can’t leave the house without Kamala Harris trying to relate to me with grand jetés.”
We reached out to other swing performers, including Ari Zona and Penn Sylvester Anya, but their opinions were just too unclear at this time. Other professionals in the industry have not been as thrilled by the new focus in campaigning.
“I respect all the work swings do, but I play Jean Valjean eight performances a week. Why should their vote matter more than mine?” asks performer, Cal E. Fornia, waving his headshot in the air, begging to be noticed. “Some people recommended just writing that I’m a swing on my resume so my vote will count, but I’m proud of having a single track role!”
At press time, the Biden team was seen reviewing elaborate choreography from every swing performer, even longtime non-swing Tex As, just in case.
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