by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Bluesky: @benschrager.bsky.social. Twitter: @ben_schrager
Broadway loves a triple threat, but when it comes to finding you an affordable price, nothing beats the DOUBLE threat of bundling your home and auto with State Farm®! Here are the five roles that Jake from State Farm® could make his Broadway debut in:
1. Fiyero in Wicked
If there’s one thing Jake from State Farm® has, it’s Rizz. And what better way to showcase that Rizz than playing the swaggering Winkie Prince in this classic musical? As Fiyero, Jake from State Farm® would dance through life and save the day just like State Farm® can save you hundreds with their Personal Price Plan®!
And just a reminder that we at The Broadway Beat are not above this. If you’re a corporation looking for some sponsored content, our asking price is very low and our DMs are open.
2. Hermes in Hadestown
“It’s a sad song, but we sing it anyway.” And what song is sadder than customers losing out on an affordable price by not switching to State Farm® sooner?
Seriously, we have massive debts. The stock market is plummeting and our portfolio was not diversified: we invested almost everything into a set of NFTs of the King Kong Puppet. All our puppet apes are gone. We need a quick infusion of cash and we’ll take it from anywhere.
3. Enjolras in Les Misérables
“Do you hear the people sing? Singing the song of Bundle and Save?”
Corporate America has taken everything from me. It has left me hollowed out; a husk of my former self. Please, corporations. Please pay our website money to churn out sponsored slop in the content trough for all the little piggies to gobble up. I’ll write “10 Broadway Characters Who Could Really Use an Amazon Prime® Account.” I’ll write “Eight Ways the Metaverse® is Changing the Game for Broadway Forever.” Please. I need money.
4. Belize in Angels in America
You cannot shame me. I have no shame. One time, I let a director tickle my bare feet during a callback for an unpaid production of The Iceman Cometh. I did that production because the director convinced me that he knew Nathan Lane and that he was going to come to the goddamn Producer’s Club to see it. You think I’m a “sell out” for taking peanuts from State Farm®? Fuck you. Fuck all of you. You will not judge me. Not even God can judge me anymore.
5. Alexander Hamilton in Hamilton
Jake from State Farm® is not throwing away your shot at saving hundreds by bundling home and auto! Switch today!
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