by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene.
THE NEW HEAVEN AND THE NEW EARTH - Jesus Christ, Son of God, descended to Earth today to usher in the salvation of all mankind. As the trumpets resounded, so did the high-pitched yelps of a 5’9” Englishman as he hollered upwards at the enrobed figure descending from the sky engulfed by archangels and blinding white light. The small man in question was Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, who was announcing a lawsuit against Jesus Christ for copyright infringement against his 1971 musical Jesus Christ Superstar.
“Who does this iridescent young fellow think He is? He thinks He can just create an unsanctioned sequel to Superstar?” snorted an indignant Lloyd Webber, who was fuming while being actively levitated up to Heaven. “This is a worse sequel than Love Never Dies.”
Tim Rice, lyricist on Jesus Christ Superstar, was critical of the presentational qualities of Christ’s return, calling them “uncreative,” “devoid of wit,” and “inaccessible, specifically to British people, notably with regard to the performance’s lack of references to Harrods.”
“Thus far, He actually just hasn’t said anything, He’s just floating there. Why couldn’t He have launched into a Biblically-inaccurate but theatrically-genius tirade against God the Father, telling him He’s personally ‘not so hot’ on the manner of His return?” sighed Rice, who was honestly just excited to get some major attention for the first time since Evita. “He could at least have come down with an invitation into heaven sung as a set of genuinely unpleasant falsetto notes. Michael Ball did it best, not this clown.”
Jesus Christ, when asked for comment, said he thought Jesus Christ Superstar was “fine,” but lacking in melodic memorability.
“I walked out of the theater and couldn’t remember anything simple and repetitive enough to hum while walking to work in the morning. Besides ‘Ho-sanna, hey-sanna, sanna-sanna-ho,’ obviously. What was Rice on when he wrote that? I guess it was 1970,” shrugged Christ. “And as for the music, this guy can’t write a unique and catchy song without changing the key four times. I guess you win some, you get your life story adapted into Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ‘early work.’”
At press time, Christ was more indifferent towards news of the Superstar creators’ lawsuit.
“They’ll come around once they’re in Heaven. Andrew Lloyd Webber will have his own alternate universe where he kept writing bangers after the 80s. Tim Rice will be able to write lyrics that rhyme cleanly. Again, I’m not mad they’re suing. Sondheim warned me earlier that they would.”
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