by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Twitter: ben_schrager.
NEW YORK, NY. – Broadway fans, rejoice! We at The Broadway Beat have discovered a Faceless Void dwelling under Junior’s that creates jukebox bio-musicals, and after it pierced our souls, we now know that Christopher Fitzgerald is going to play Paul Simon in the world premiere of You Can Call Me Al this fall!
This is the only thing I know now. The Void is All. I’ve forgotten what my child looks like. Did I ever have a child?
Richard Greenberg has already written the book and Des McAnuff has already staged the production, which is premiering tomorrow at the Paper Mill Playhouse, though nobody involved with the show has any recollection of ever signing on. When asked for comment, Christopher Fitzmartin said– wait, is it Fitzmartin? Fitzmartin or Fitzgerald? What is a “Des McAnuff?”
I’m sorry. Things have been strange since The Void… I just remember eating cheesecake when a soft, wizened voice called out. It used my name… I can’t remember what that is anymore.
It promised me such gifts. It whispered: “Wouldst thou like to see Paul Simon wrestle with his demons? Wouldst thou like those demons to be Paul Simon just getting sad sometimes and maybe using drugs if the estate approves? Wouldst thou like Ben Platt to play Art Garfunkel for a limited engagement? It’s all below for thee.” Then it beckoned me below the floorboards of Junior’s to a pulsating lake of black goo.
Or not a lake: an organism. A lake-like organism that drowned me inside of itself. All I could feel was emptiness and Graceland. All I could see was every regional theater that would do this show in three years, all at the exact same time.
“This is what must happen to thee,” it whispered. “For the audience.”
The audience demands recognizable names. The audience demands shows straight men can go to that won’t make them question their sexuality. The audience demands musicals exploring the catalogs of their favorite artists from their youth - when life was easierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmeandjuliorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlikeabridgeovertroubledwaterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Where’s my wife and family? WHAT IF I DIE HERE–
IF YOU’LL BE MY BODYGUARD, I CAN BE YOUR LONG LOST PAL
I CAN CALL YOU BETTY.
AND BETTY WHEN YOU CALL ME, YOU CAN CALL ME AL.
CALL ME AL CALL ME AL CALL ME AL CALL ME AL HELP ME HELPMEHELPMEHELPME HELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPBETTYBETYYBETTYBETTYBETTYBETTYSTILLCRAZYAFTERALLTHESEYEARSCALLMEALKODACHROMEHEHERESTOYOUMRSROBINSONHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPHELPTHESOUNDOF–
You Can Call Me Al is set to conclude its pre-Broadway run tomorrow. It’s opening tomorrow at a Shubert Theater still to be announced. Starring me: Christopher Fitzgerald. Get excited!
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