by Katherine Pereira.
WALLA WALLA, WA — After several disturbing reports of coerced candy crushing, the perpetrator has been identified as 42-year-old divorced mother of two, Elizabeth Bodder. This accusation came as a shock to the community that highly regarded Bodder as a business owner and overly-involved PTA volunteer. Bodder has now come forward to address the situation.
“These claims are completely unfounded. I would never force my rising stars to do anything they didn’t want to,” Bodder argued, frantically closing a many-tabbed Google search for youth extracurriculars. “They’re just lashing out because I… encouraged healthier snack choices.”
The suspicious pause and phrasing led to further investigation, which unearthed accusations from other members of the community, as it appears her overbearingness was not relegated strictly to the home. One person speaking out is a cashier at the grocery store Bodder frequents, who has asked to remain anonymous.
“Every week she tries to return the butter that she literally just bought because it ‘made her batter bitter,’” he whispered, nervously fidgeting with his "Jeremy" nametag and glancing over his shoulder. “But that’s not how butter works and even if it was, we obviously can’t refund used products.”
Another victim of Bodder’s domineering was an employee of her variety shop, Angela Quinn.
“Betty is very proud of our inventory; we sell everything from toy boats to foreign wristwatches,” Quinn mechanically boasted, sorting through articles of red and yellow leather. “But I’m the one who drives all the way to the shore to hand-pick the shells she takes credit for curating.”
Elizabeth’s ex-husband Peter Bodder has been granted full custody of their children for the time being, and is slowly reintroducing them to chocolates.
“I’m horrified by this turn of events,” he proclaimed, tending to his garden plot of peppers he intended to pickle. He assured us that the divorce was amicable and that there had been no outright indications of abuse during their marriage.
“I can’t paint her out to be a wholly horrible wife and mother, but she couldn’t even make a proper cup of coffee in our proper coffee pot.”
Comments