by Will Tully. @willrtully.
NEW YORK, NY - An anonymous source has reported that the guy from Moulin Rouge!, like the Ringleader Guy, refused to lend his portable charger to someone who really needed it.
“It all happened so fast,” the anonymous source, who wanted to go by Person Lastname before being convinced that was too stupid, explained. “Some friends and I were hanging out and we decided to hit up the Moulin Rouge! guy, like the Mustache Guy, because he seemed chill. But then he showed everyone his new portable charger and bragged about all the cool features it had, and when I asked to borrow it, he jumped up and down and pointed at me and shouted ‘No! No one gets my charger!’ I mean, it just completely killed the vibe.”
The guy from Moulin Rouge!, like the Top Hat Guy who calls people ducks I think, offered his own perspective on the situation.
“At first I was like, ‘Was that a dick move?’” The Moulin Rouge! guy said, half-wondering if people even know his name and half-knowing they don’t. “But then I decided that I don’t owe you anything. Get your own charger. And also, you know how there’s people that you just know have sticky hands? I feel like he’s definitely one. Not a bad person. Just a sticky hands person. Anyway, come on in, the big show's starting!”
In order to be unbiased and get a wide array of viewpoints, The Broadway Beat decided to reach out to people who didn’t even know what Moulin Rouge! was about.
“Why are you asking me?” asked Los Angeles local and question enthusiast Jacob Rizzi. “I don’t even know what Moulin Rouge! is. The first time someone here said it, I thought they said ‘Moo Lawn Rude.' So then I’m thinking, like, what would ‘Moo Lawn Rude’ even be? Like, a lawn care service run by cows but they’re also jerks? And they don’t use lawnmowers, because they’re cows, so they just eat the grass with their cow mouths? Wait. That actually sounds awesome. Is that a thing, do you think?”
EDIT: Moments after writing the article, news broke out revealing that the incident was actually an elaborate marketing ploy meant to promote the new Moulin Rouge! portable charger, dubbed the “Charge-Charge-Charge.”
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