Help! I Played Mrs. Potts and Now My Right Arm is Super Duper Swole

by Matt Keeley. Instagram: @reallymattkeeley. Bluesky: @reallymattkeeley.bsky.social.

Oh dear. What a predicament I’ve found myself in. I think I need the help of a doctor, or at least a physical trainer. You see, I just finished a production of Beauty and the Beast as Mrs. Potts, and…well…my right arm has grown to be what the kids nowadays describe as "super duper swole."

You see, it’s an unfortunate byproduct of my character’s staging. I would hold my right arm out at an angle to resemble her kettle spout each performance. Occasionally I would feel as if I had just done a whole arm workout by the end of the night, but what actor doesn’t enjoy the satisfaction of a show well done? I suppose I built up stamina through the rehearsal process, and even more throughout our three-and-a-half year run. 

Stamina, and…muscle. Massive ripped, veiny muscles that in no way mirror my left arm.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight. My bulbous bicep, titanium tricep, and forearm the size of Popeye’s, which threaten to topple me over at the slightest shift in weight, must’ve all built up gradually.

Fortunately I was able to make consistent changes to my routine to keep up with the physical demands of playing an enchanted tea kettle. Breakfast usually consisted of Greek yogurt, creatine and five dozen eggs every morning to last me through rehearsal. By the time we opened, I could hold that arm position with Chip hanging on.

While I’m so proud of what the cast and production crew put together, I can’t help but feel my bulging, brolic bicep comes as a reminder to prioritize your physical wellbeing. It’s time to take a good look in the extra-wide mirror and reexamine how to care for your body in the long term, even if a quarter of it is sculpted like Grecian marble. 

Hold on–oh! My goodness! My agent just called to tell me that I’ve booked a role in Water for Elephants! As the elephant’s trunk!