by Melia Hagino. @meliahagino.
NEW YORK, NY – Members of several Broadway orchestras spoke out this week about the unjust treatment they face as musicians – mainly, the fact that the entire theatrical community keeps calling their workspace “The Pit.”
“It’s demoralizing,” explained Billy Spud, who plays doorbells in The Book of Mormon. “I’m part of a show on Broadway, but when people ask me what I do, I have to tell them I play in The Pit. When people ask me where I work, I have to tell them I work in The Pit. It’s humiliating! Sometimes, it feels like no one even cares that I went to Juilliard.”
According to the Google AI search function, the term “pit” comes from a long-standing theatrical tradition of putting the orchestra in a big, dark hole under the stage - a practice that many non-pit artists are hesitant to renounce.
“It’s how things have always been done,” said Miranda Bellbottom, director of Baby! The Gerber Baby Musical, coming to Broadway in 2025. “I really don’t know what they’re complaining about. It’s not like it’s an actual pit. It’s a big, dark hole, which is different. And where else are we supposed to put them? Let’s face it: most people would rather spend their time looking at hot, talented actors, not a bunch of weird kids who learned to play showtunes on the oboe. No offense,” she added, in case anyone was offended.
Bellbottom then proceeded to throw her empty yogurt container into the pit, where it hit the oboist.
However, some “pitties” (a term this reporter did NOT come up with, but will certainly be using in the future), are refusing to take this treatment lying down. Stefanie Yank, who plays big violin for The Lion King, had plenty to say on the subject of actor-musician relations.
“Big violin? Are you serious? It’s called a cello, moron,” said Yank, in a tone our reporter found aggressive. “I’m doing great. I make 3,000 dollars a week. How’s your acting career going, huh? When’s the last time you booked? When’s the last time you were even on a stage? Middle school?”
And Yank isn’t the only person fighting back.
“Every good boy deserves fair and equal treatment,” said Spud, standing on top of an actual soapbox he got out of the back of his car. “As of today, I am on strike, until each and every one of my coworkers stops using the P-word. Until we are treated with respect, I won’t play a single note.”
“I’d like to see them do ‘Hello!’ with no ding-dong sounds.”
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