by Will Tully. @willrtully.
NEW YORK, NY - Due to overwhelming pressure from fans and critics alike, The Outsiders has taken a page out of Waitress’ book and filled the Jacobs Theatre, not with the smell of pies, but with “himbo sweat.”
“It felt like the right thing to do at this moment in history,” explained produce Sanra Turkas, scribbling a crude doodle of a car with muscles into her notebook. “We’re hoping the alluring and nostalgic smell of himbo sweat will whisk audiences back to a simpler time. It’s a very uniting scent.”
Sweat Coordinator Christopher Dale added that the process of collecting himbo sweat was surprisingly difficult.
“Using sweat from the Outsiders cast breaks quite a few union rules,” Dale said, while lying on his bed, kicking his legs in the air. “So we decided to partner with Equinox, Planet Fitness, and one very brave usher to collect the sweat we needed. It truly took a village to make this happen. A himbo village. A hillage, if you will. Hehehe. Can you cut out the ‘hehehe?’ I don’t want that in. Actually, keep it. I am who I am.”
The theatre’s head technician, Dr. Science Von Sciencestein, who swore he wasn’t a mad scientist, further elaborated.
“We forgot to ask Waitress how they did it, so we had to improvise,” Sciencestein noted, fully standing next to a brain in a jar. “That’s why I invented the Sweat-O-Tron 9000, or ’SOT-9’ for short. The himbo sweat converts into vapor, travels through the SOT-9, and eventually pumps out into the theatre for audiences to enjoy. We also have SOT-9 t-shirts and magnets at our merch booth. We’re really hoping those sell. Otherwise, what was all of this for?”
While audience reception appeared mixed, and debate on the ethics of collecting human sweat for profit rage on, SOT-9 t-shirt and magnet sales continue to skyrocket.