by Roxy Arecco. @roxyarecco.
NEW YORK, NY - Scientists at the Northeastern Institute of Paranormal Research have completed a series of experiments that prove the ghost light, previously thought to be the sole source of light for an unoccupied theater, is actually a bug zapper but for ghosts - and the leading extermination technique for all paranormal phenomena, sources confirmed.
“This is a massive discovery,” explained Franklin Santiago, a former actor who became the chief science officer of the NIPR after being released from his first Broadway production for saying “Macbeth”. “The light attracts ghosts and then quickly zaps em’ up. All theaters are haunted, but the light cuts the number down so they’re not completely overrun with spirits. Those ghosts are getting burnt to a crisp. I guess I’m not the only one who’s been fired on a Broadway stage.”
Lynn Foster, the institute’s chief technology officer, continued her colleague’s description of the experiment while he stepped into the hallway to tap into his diaphragm and release all muscular tension.
“Once the light’s purpose was proven, there was still work to be done,” Foster added. “We shifted our focus toward testing if it was, in fact, the most effective extermination technique. We removed the ghost light from the Belasco Theatre and replaced it with a human-sized mouse trap, the bait being a cast list for the 1956 production of Fanny. This successfully attracted an entire ensemble of spirits who ultimately weren’t heavy enough to trigger the trap. Our experiment was then postponed for six months while the ghosts rehearsed the musical, went through two weeks of previews, opened, and closed to dozens of scathing reviews.”
Dance captain Jerry Wozniaky, who was crushed by a sandbag in 1984, agreed to speak with us if we advertised his one-man show running every Sunday in April between the hours of 3 and 4 A.M.
“The ghost light really only affects the dumb ones,” he explained. “Which is fine by me. If I had to hear Tommy Evans and Zach Harrison fight over which sides are stage left and stage right one more time I’d stand under another sandbag and cut the rope myself.”
At press time, Santiago and Foster relayed their intent to continue exploring the validity of superstitions in the theater. Their next experiment will focus on the phrase “break a leg” once they find any willing participants.
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