by Anna Schwartz. @annajschwartz.
LONG ISLAND, NY. - $60,000-a-year conservatory student Glenn Foster incited public outrage by sharing how he failed a theatrical movement course due to his inability to embody a flax seed.
“No one should be failing. I mean, it's a movement class,” argued Foster as he struggled to tie his shoes, barely maintaining his balance. “I just don’t see how moving like a flax seed - which for the record doesn't move - will help me make it on Broadway. Somehow I managed to become a satisfactory green bean and rice grain, but my flax fell short.”
Ms. Sadie Watkins, Foster’s instructor and an avid fan of plant-based protein, ardently defended her grading system.
“An actor must be an adaptor, and Glenn failed to adapt,” stated Watkins as she microwaved a quinoa salad. “I take inspiration from the world around me, but Glenn still has the blinders of shame covering his view of reality. I stand by my verdict: a man who cannot become a seed cannot become a success.”
Erica Blake, Foster’s classmate and fellow theatrical movement survivor, expressed her deepest sympathies for Foster’s failure.
“Everyone knows Watkins' class will get you down - like, literally on the floor for hours at a time,” said Blake as she iced her kneecaps. “Glenn really did try his best, and his rubber duck run was spectacular, but even I could see he was much more on the sunflower seed side of things.”
When asked for the base of this observation, Blake claimed “if you know, you know. And if you don’t, you might be Glenn Foster.”
Blake also took a moment to offer her sincerest condolences to her other fallen classmates: Gina Page, who couldn’t walk like a windmill; Candice Johnston, who couldn’t inhale like an insect; and Terrence Lee, who couldn’t prance like a permanently placated platypus.
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