by HaleyJane Rose. @haleyisfamous.
NEW YORK, NY - A local rehearsal studio sought an innovative solution this week when its maintenance staff faced budget cuts, leaving nobody to sweep their floors. Their fast response led them to host an emergency BFA movement class, a course that famously encourages actors to roll on the floor… a lot.
“Rehearsal studios see a wide range of theatrical activity, which means a lot of dust, shedded hair, and the mysterious goo that seeps from indie improv-ers pores,” said Maintenance Head Greg Donaldson, sniffing a red mysterious liquid that could either be a vocalist’s kombucha, or a stage combatant's blood. “But if there’s one thing you can always count on, it’s that students spending tens of thousands of dollars on their training will be rollin’ on the floors.”
Madeline Barbier, an instructor of various Movement for the Actor courses, offered an artistic justification to the technique-turned-emergency-cleaning-service.
“An actor must learn to express emotion through movement! A wide variety of emotions such as: happily splayed on the floors making studio dust-bunny angels, or sadly scooting through somebody’s spilled lunch,” claimed Barbier, counting her cash above the heads of her ground-dwelling students. “Like Laban always says ‘Body, Effort, Space, Sweep?’ Or was it Lecoq… Viewpoints? Either way, darling, those are all just fancy names for ‘we’re gonna be rollin’ on them floors!’”
Alexander Technique student Jordan Sousa expressed concern over his movement courses in particular.
“It was interesting at first - the ‘thinking in activity' and heightening my body awareness,” sighed Sousa, slowly melting to the ground as if he had no bones. “But eventually I realized that the only thing my instructors seemed to care about was how much dirt I’d picked up in my theater blacks by the end of class. I can’t prove anything, but I’m pretty sure this whole ‘movement’ class industry is just a maid service in disguise.”
With word of this ingenuity spreading to other venues and facilities, passersby can now often find fifty of the sweatiest, legging-clad people you’ve ever seen writhing around on a Saturday morning in a wedding hall for a “contact jam,” … or what professionals call the “Deep Clean Special.”
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