by Grant Cleaveland. @cleaveland_g.
NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ - The Broadway Beat’s Population Science Division recently conducted a nationwide survey which found that a startling 85% of Americans would absolutely prefer to be a literal left handed flea, a crab on a slab at the bottom of the sea, than attend a high school production of Pippin. Dr. Esther Brown, lead theatrical scientist, crunched the numbers for us.
“Our survey found that 85% of Americans would much rather be a man who never learns how to be free,” Dr. Brown explained with precise medical and musical accuracy. “14% of those surveyed indicated they’d rather be a newt on a root of a banyan tree, or even a fig on a twig in Galilee than watch their kids attempt a half-baked Pippin. Our survey didn’t originally include any lyrics from 'Simple Joys', but people kept writing it in to illustrate their enthusiastic disgust for a high school version of the show.”
Local parent Scott Chester told us that New Brunswick High School was slated for a spring production of Pippin until, thankfully, the results of this poll were released.
“Look, fine, I like my son’s friend Jason,” Scott confided to us by his tool shed so his wife wouldn’t hear. “I’ll go to his graduation party, tell him Rutgers is a good school, maybe even give him a Target gift card- but I will NOT let him ruin 'Corner Of The Sky' for me. Absolutely fucking not.”
What about the fraction of Americans who believe there is magic to do in a high school auditorium? Meet Tomas Deneal, a junior at New Brunswick High.
“I’m frickin’ steamed they cancelled Pippin,” Tomas vented to us in the back parking lot where the popular kids sell vapes. “Our director said we don’t have the emotional maturity or athletic prowess to pull off Pippin, which sucks dong, because I was gonna jump through a hoop like Neil Patrick Harris in the 2013 Tony Awards on YouTube.”
This article is dedicated to field researcher Bethany Fisher, who attended Oakcrest High School’s production of Pippin where she promptly set herself on fire.