by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - The reopenings just don’t stop! Among the slew of Broadway shows announcing their reopening dates, local surgeon Beatrice Gunk announced that she, too, would be reopening - more specifically, reopening a patient in whom she accidentally left her watch, concerned yet still excited sources confirmed.
“It’s been a long road - three days to be exact,” noted Dr. Gunk, who was late to our interview because, you know… no watch. “The past three days have been an insurmountable challenge. I’m more excited than ever to get everyone in our surgery unit back to work: reopening this patient under the guise of a ‘routine checkup’ so we don’t get sued.”
Surgical assistant Ken Burricks, whose first surgery was the botched appendectomy in which the watch was lost, is thrilled to have a proper shot at the bright lights.
“This event has affected so many people in my industry, especially the stage-of-anesthesiology managers,” noted Burricks, who somehow has a medical degree from Juilliard. “Let me tell you: the night we reopen that patient, it’s gonna be a fucking party. Cheering, crying, feeling every emotion that this long stretch has brought us. I’m also beginning to think we might not be good at our jobs.”
Still, some individuals tended to stick to the safe side of the reopening.
“It’s too soon,” noted surgery fan/subsequent weirdo Jennifer Hillston. “They’re rushing to get this patient reopened without considering all of the risks involved. Not to mention, a lot of the surgeons have put on weight.” Hillston, coincidentally, is a staff writer for The New York Times.
At press time, the surgery unit announced that select reopening tickets would go on sale this Wednesday at noon - in the form of those big, weird operating theaters you see on The Knick.
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