by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene.
NEW YORK, NY - Phantom of the Opera composer Andrew Lloyd Webber, having learned recently that some sweet summer children have been seeing his musical hoping to gain in-knowledge about operas, has encouraged potential attendees to remember that while Phantom is a cultural staple, it is a low cultural staple.
“Even though 'Opera' is in the title, and for the first 30 minutes or so it sounds like an opera to people who haven’t heard opera, it is not an opera,” noted Webber while cautiously making sure no audience members were wearing collared shirts. “If you come to Phantom hoping to see an opera, you’re making a costly mistake.”
Tourist Dr. Hailey Pratt, who we interviewed right as the Phantom first appears in Christine’s mirror, was hoping that her night spent indulging in a pop culture staple might also be an educational experience.
“Bless Lloyd Webber for bringing this centuries-old medium emblematic of humanity’s best artistic output to the masses,“ noted Pratt, who is incapable of enjoying herself without feeling productive. "I can't wait to-" she began, before being interrupted by a Lord Andy synthesizer drumbeat hitting the theater like a mule kick in the face.
Phantom lyricist Charles Hart noted that the mass dissemination of the conceptual Phantom music video from the early 80s was how he and Lloyd Webber used to make sure attendees knew this was not an opera, but a Wham! music video garnished with vibrato and ringlets.
“Our four-minute summation of a decade of legwarmers, synthesizers, and camp was how we prepped people for our two-hour fanfiction about my boss’s relationship with a subordinate."
In related news, all real operas will now contain guitar riffs in hopes of raising ticket sales, while also receiving big-budget film adaptations starring people with no singing experience.
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