by Sydney Olson. @sydneycurls
MILWAUKEE, WI - Local couple Jane Turner and Kenneth Allen shocked their families and friends this week when they announced that they have turned to a life of crime to satisfy their theatrical craving - by which, of course, they mean that they’ve watched a bootleg, the dangerous duo confirmed.
“I guess you could say we’re living legends and we’re raising hell in the press, but I’m more concerned this criminal spree will affect my career in the movies,” said Jane Turner, a Senior in her university’s Engineering program, while searching for slime tutorials on YouTube. “I’m going to be the next ‘it girl’, you know? Yes, we did watch Bonnie and Clyde yesterday, why do you ask?”
We caught up to the other half of this unlawful pair, Kenneth Allen, while he was fixing a Ford V8 and drinking American whiskey, for the sake of authenticity.
“It’s not just one bootleg, sugar. We've binge-watched four illegal recordings now. We have access to an exclusive Hamilton pro-shot with the OBC. Not many folks can say that.”
The Broadway Beat then took fifteen minutes to explain to Allen that Disney+ is not, in fact, an illicit source, after which Allen corrected himself to three bootlegs. He also asked us to mention that he, a 6’2” blond guy, looks exactly like Jeremy Jordan.
Not everyone, however, was ignorant of Turner and Allen’s evasion of justice.
“Last week they watched Bring It On: The Musical, and Jane wouldn’t shut up about the National Cheer Championship afterward,” noted neighbor Theresa Bryant. “On Wednesday, they were up until 2 AM rehearsing some cheer routine at top volume. I finally had to call the cops on them. I just hope they don’t find an excuse to break into my house again. The Les Miserables phase was rough.”
At press time, Allen and Turner were seen smoking cigars and bragging about their private bootleg database, which this reporter knows to be a Broadway HD subscription.
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