by Mary Colussi. @marycolussi.
PROVIDENCE, RI - When South Providence High School junior Oscar Wood was invited to join a circle of fellow theatre kids at the regional “Been There, Scene That” monologue competition last weekend, he thought he was about to warm up his performing muscles, not his spiritual ones.
“I’m just minding my own business, sipping a Red Bull at 8am and telling the chaperones that it’s a character choice, when the Theological Thespians called me over,” said Wood, referring to the drama troupe of St. Mary’s Academy for Reverent Teenagers. “I’ve never turned down a hearty round of Zip Zap Zop, so I join them, and suddenly we’re holding hands and praising ‘Our Heavenly Father.’ I couldn’t get them to let go until I told them that my only god was Melpomene, the ancient Greek Muse of Tragedy.”
Local lawyer Adrian Brock weighed in on the incident. He rose to prominence last year after representing the estate of J.M. Barrie during a conflict with the Thespians, who made national news for their decision to stage Peter Pan with all references to flight and magic removed.
“The formal legal term for a circle of five or more drama kids is a ‘Zip Zap Zop quorum,’ so I don’t blame this young man for getting confused,” noted Brock, who is currently on tour to promote his memoir, Clap Your Hands If You Believe (In Copyright Law). “These people advertised a production of Peter Pan with the tagline, ‘Know your limits, stay on the ground.’ Oscar didn’t stand a chance.”
Sister Martha Richards, artistic director of the Thespians and a self-proclaimed Pope Francis “megafan,” took a break from her traditional post-monologue competition silent contemplation to comment.
“We Thespians regret the error, and would like to note that we do not condone or take part in the worship of idols,” stated Sister Richards, while holding a ruler for unclear but nevertheless threatening reasons. “Zip, Zap, and Zop, whoever they may be, are clearly false gods, created by heathens, and we condemn them as such.”
Wood did eventually find a secular round of Zip Zap Zop, and was able to warm up in the vaguely defined manner for which all drama games are famed. However, he did not place in the competition, and to improve his performance next year, sources say he is considering either prayer, ritual sacrifice to Melpomene, or drinking slightly less Red Bull.
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