Thespian Fugitive Caught Immediately Once Police Bring Out Helicopter Spotlight

by Katie Siegel. @katiefliesaway.

JERSEY CITY, NJ — An hours-long manhunt for a recent graduate of University of Michigan came to an end this evening, once the police helicopter in pursuit employed its spotlight on the young thespian.

“I’ve always been taught to find my light,” said Brian Witkowski, who managed to evade police for three hours with no intermission. “It’s been hammered into me ever since my very first day at UMich go blue. That’s not something you can unlearn without years of psychotherapy.”

The operator of the spotlight, Officer Marcus Kelly, was floored by the speed at which Witkowski was apprehended once the light was turned on. 

“He was like a moth to a flame,” said Kelly, looking way too proud of himself for coming up with such a common metaphor. “I actually did three years of high school tech crew, and other than learning to work with bad actors, I never thought any of those skills would translate to being a police officer.”

Authorities say the spotlight was utilized once the suspect entered a dense wooded area. Within moments, Witkowski had jumped into the pool of light, striking a pose that can only be described as “Liza Minnelli in Cabaret.”

“I thought I’d lose them if I went into the woods,” Witkowski explained after supplying a folder of photos to be used in lieu of his mugshot. “Guess now I won’t be home before dark. Who knew Officer Krupke [sic] over there had a spotlight? No, not that one, that’s my commercial headshot. Use my theatrical one, I like how I’m smizing in it. Do you think you could call me ‘Jensen Garnier’ in the article? I’m trying out a stage name, not sure if I like it yet.”

With the help of his lawyer, Witkowski has reportedly been pleading his innocence in a way that can only be described as “Liza Minnelli in Chicago.”