by Ben Schrager. Instagram: @ben.schrager. Twitter: @ben_schrager.
BUCKS COUNTY, PA. – Upon realizing she would be seeing the Encores! production of Ragtime on the day after the election, local woman Shelby Helickson felt hopeful she’ll get to cry for the Good Reason and terrified she’s going to cry for the Bad Reason.
“I’m feeling confident,” said Helickson while looking up ways to stock up on Mifepristone. “If everything goes right, I could be listening to ‘Back to Before’ on the night Kamala Harris becomes the first woman to win the presidency. Plus one of her campaign slogans is ‘Not Going Back!’ I’m ready to ugly cry into my scarf.”
When asked about how she would feel listening to the same song if Harris loses to Trump, Ms. Helickson's response was clear.
“Excuse me,” she said before entering the basement and screaming for an hour straight. When she returned, her nose was bleeding, but she smiled and said, “It’ll be ok, let’s not think about that!”
Therapists across the country have said that Ms. Helickson’s response is not uncommon.
“Most of the calls involve deep sobbing interspersed with the word ‘Mother’ being repeated over and over - which is not out of place in my line of work,” said Dr. Percowicz, while applying for Dutch citizenship. “I’d say a solid third of the calls I field these days are from patients with tickets to the second week of Ragtime. City Center doesn’t know what horrors they have wrought. We in the industry are calling it 'deBessonet Syndrome'.”
The anxiety from ticket holders is also impacting members of the cast, including Caissie Levy.
“Every night, outside my apartment, I have to shoo away a vigil of women and gay men carrying Ruth Bader Ginsberg votive candles” said Levy, while buying provisions for her bunker. “I don’t even know how they found my address, but they show up and chant ‘We are all Edgar. We need Mother.’ I have to remind them that I’m just an actress with a simple Doomsday Prep hobby that has nothing to do with the upcoming election.”
Ms. Helickson’s boyfriend, Derek Stottson, isn’t a big fan of musicals, but he’s trying to be supportive.
“Don’t tell my girlfriend, but I’m actually surprising her with tickets to another show while we’re there. We’re seeing Cabaret. I don’t know anything about it, but I think she’s gonna love it!”