by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LOS ANGELES - Following recent revelations surrounding the toxic environment at Ellen, Ellen DeGeneres' groundbreaking, long-running daytime talk show, producers are in talks to provide a “culture change” for the show in an effort to bring in a host who would provide a more calm, friendly and positive work environment than Degeneres - with the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang supposedly first in line, sources confirmed.
“I think, by comparison, he’d be a really kind, warm new host,” said Ellen producer Henry Herrett. “Yes, his whole thing is that he steals kids off the street and imprisons them, and also his outfit and demeanor are, truly, terrifying, but at least he’d let you look him in the eye while on set.”
Hollywood insiders are already beaming at the idea that the Child Catcher could soon be gracing our afternoon TV schedules.
“It’s a tough time for our country,” noted TV critic Sherlyn Craine. “We’re divided, we’re frightened - and we need a little escape. What we don’t need is an intimidating, selfish, threatening person at the helm. The Child Catcher should really be a breath of fresh air. I can’t wait to invite him into our homes every day - just make sure to keep an eye on your kids, haha. No, but seriously, it’s like… it’s his name.”
Many fans were unsure of the “lighter”, “more welcoming” new host.
“He steals children! That’s his whole thing! Are you really telling me he’s going to be a kinder presence than Ellen?” questioned longtime fan Ben Gungen. We then showed Mr. Gungen a collection of allegations against Ellen, mapping out the specific ways by which she created a notoriously awful work environment.
“Oh, ok, yeah,” noted Gungen. “The Child Catcher is definitely a better choice.”
At press time, neither Ellen nor the Child Catcher could be reached for comment. It is presumed that one of them is committing nefarious acts against those in their surrounding community and becoming a poster-person for dangerous individuals to be avoided, while we can’t speculate as to what the Child Catcher is currently up to.
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