by Emmy Pratt. @gimmieemmy.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump Administration has formally proposed that the 2021 fiscal year will allocate $200,000,000,000 of its budget towards funding the careers of America’s belting tweens, representatives confirmed.
“Nearly every industry has suffered immeasurably during the pandemic, but investing in tweens who can belt has always guaranteed profits,” noted White House Chief Financial Officer Dana Swenson. “Judy Garland jump-started the industry in the 1930s, and we’ve been making millions off of exploited children ever since. You’d think we would’ve drained this goldmine of strained youth voices after all these years, but new tweens are created every day! An 11-year-old boy screlting the living daylights out of ‘Rolling in the Deep’ is America's most precious natural resource.”
Jezanna Malone, Democratic Congresswomen and mixing sympathizer, was vocal in her fervent opposition to this budgetary decision.
“Throughout every season of America's Got Talent, we sit back and watch as hapless preteens destroy their voices. Allowing children to get 37 million YouTube views for a ‘STARTLING RENDITION’ of ‘Don’t Rain On My Parade’ should be considered a crime against humanity,” said the Vermont Representative, visibly shaking. “I will no longer stand idly by and allow Trump to pour countless dollars that could’ve gone to education or healthcare into the 12-Year-Olds With Nodes Industrial Complex.”
Greg Oliveretti, Republican Senator and notable Grace VanderWaal stan, was optimistic about what this increased budget could do for preteens of all socioeconomic backgrounds.
“The best part of the Tweens Who Can Belt Industry is that it’s for everyone. From the tragic backstory boys - divulging their trauma to Howie Mandell in a fledgling attempt to transcend poverty - to the Stagedoor Manor attending, Sophia Anne Caruso impersonating daughters of stockbrokers, any 10-12-year-old in America can showcase their throaty talent to our nation of ‘TRULY BLOWN AWAY’ adults.”
At press time, White House officials confirmed that despite congressional pushback, funding for this highly renewable resource will continue to grow, as there is no reason to believe it will ever do anything but deliver, deliver, deliver.
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